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Being a woman in 2024 prompts a myriad of questions. Does it mean wearing all pink? Or should you embrace gender neutral colours? Does it mean strutting away with your long locks? Or chopping it all off? Does it mean wearing your femininity with pride? Or seeking solace in your strength?
These questions become particularly complex if you, as a woman, have always felt detached from societal expectations. Hattan Alsaif, a 22-year-old combat sports athlete from Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, has found her own way to defy limitations and societal constraints by excelling in the world of professional fighting.
On January 30, the Professional Fighters League (PFL) made history by announcing the exclusive signing of Hattan to a multi-fight contract, making her the first woman from Saudi Arabia to join a global Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) league. Previously, she has been awarded the title of ‘Breakthrough Female Athlete’ for winning a gold medal at the 2023 International Federation of Muaythai Associations World Championships and has also enjoyed victories at World Combat Games and Saudi Games.
But you cannot win a battle without bearing the scars. And she wears her scars with immense pride. At 22, sporting a crew cut, five tattoos on her body, each of which symbolises the hardships she’s had to overcome, and an unquenchable fire in her belly, Hattan is single-handedly crushing all the gender stereotypes that made her feel like an outcast growing up.
Formative years
Hattan’s early life was far from typical. Her parents got divorced on the day she was born, leading to a fractured family dynamic. “I never experienced my family being together in a single photograph,” Hattan recounts. “I lacked the typical family experiences that a little girl dreams of—spending time with my parents, having them do my hair before school, feeding me. None of those were part of my reality.”
Following the divorce, her father and mother embarked on new family journeys through remarriage, creating separate lives of their own, shifting Hattan to her maternal grandmother’s house.
Living with her grandmother, the generation gap created challenges and conflict in their relationship. “Since the day I was born, I constantly felt like an outsider, like someone who didn’t belong. It wasn’t a good feeling for a child to experience day in and day out,” says Hattan. “My childhood had numerous missing pieces, but I believe these experiences shaped me. They made me independent because from very early, I realised I only had myself to fall back on.”
Orphaned at age 10
Her mother’s passing at the age of 10, due to a terminal illness, added another layer of complexity to her emotional fragility while growing up. “But I never really knew my mother,” says Hattan. Despite her visits, Hattan struggled to connect emotionally with her mother, longing for the typical expressions of motherly love.
“By the time I started making sense of the world, she was never around. Our interactions were always cordial but there was no depth in our relationship. I’d often wonder why she never raised her voice at me. I wanted her to scold me, shout at me. I wanted to experience the things that mothers typically do, but I never felt any real connection,” she adds. “All I knew was, this woman had given birth to me and she loved me.”
Exactly 10 months after her mother’s passing, Hattan lost her father in a car accident, leaving her in a state of profound shock. “I couldn’t come to terms with the loss for a very long time,” says Hattan, adding that she felt as though she had been robbed of the only sense of security and belonging she had known. “I found myself seeking revenge against life for taking away my father.”
“My father provided a refuge. Despite seeing him only on weekends, those moments were precious. He took me to the zoo, the supermarket, and the mall – and he didn’t just ‘take’ me to places, he engaged with me. He made me feel valued. He made me feel like a real person,” she adds. A stark contrast to how her extended family, grandmother, uncles, and aunts interacted with her, through “surface-level conversations”. “They only focused on superficial aspects like whether I needed clothes. There was no depth to the conversations; no one bothered to ask about my true feelings or desires.”
The onset of depression
Coping with her father’s loss, Hattan’s life underwent a dramatic transformation. The once quiet and reserved child turned into a rebel, manifesting in disruptive behaviour, fights, and frequent clashes with teachers. This tumultuous period led to a continuous transfer from one school to another, fuelled by never-ending anger that seemed irresolvable. “I was just so angry all the time. I needed to release the anger in any and every way possible. Even breathing became a challenge,” expresses Hattan, recounting a turbulent phase that took her two years to accept the undeniable reality of her father’s absence.
By the age of 14, the realisation dawned upon her that she was a teenager navigating life without the presence of a father, a mother, or a family. The overwhelming sense of loss and the unravelling of her life plunged her into a deep depression, with no one available to share her struggles.
Turning to writing as a cathartic outlet, Hattan began documenting her emotions in a book she aspires to publish soon. “In the pages of my book, I described my father’s death as the loss of a protective shield. The pain was so intense that it felt as if my entire skin had been torn apart and every emotion would now penetrate deep into my bones. My father had been my protective shield.”
“I tried everything, from cooking to painting to dancing—every conceivable hobby—but nothing helped me,” she reflects on her desperate attempts to cope with the grief and emotional upheaval.
Self-harm and suicide
During her high school years, it became evident that Hattan had spiralled into a deep depression, yet none of her family members were aware of her struggles. When they did notice, their reactions were far from understanding. “Instead of empathising with my pain, they questioned my actions, asking if I was sick or foolish to harm myself. Their lack of understanding made me even more miserable,” says Hattan.
According to the MMA fighter, it seemed as though her family desired a ‘normal’ girl, who would grow up to get married, take care of the kids, and lead a typical life. “They wanted a traditional girl with long hair, dressed in lovely clothes, with a cute demeanour. But I wasn’t that girl. I remember I went to the bathroom one day and cut off my long, curly hair, with frustration. I wanted to do something crazy and live my life on my own terms,” says Hattan.
Her family’s reactions, often dismissive, questioned her femininity making her feel “strange, weird, as if something was wrong with me. My existence seemed insignificant”, says Hattan, adding that it led her to self-harm. “If you see me in everyday life, you’ll notice numerous scars on my hands.”
With no sense of home, family, or belonging, Hattan confesses, she eventually succumbed to her darkest thoughts. “I attempted suicide three times in the final year of high school.”
“I internalised the blame for everything, including my parents’ divorce and their passing away. The self-blame reached a point where I started contemplating why I hadn’t passed away with my parents. But God had other plans for me and thankfully, none of those attempts succeeded,” she adds.
Solace in sports
Diagnosed with clinical depression, Hattan was put under medication to manage her symptoms but eventually decided to discontinue the medicines and take matters into her own hands. “I was convinced that neither medication nor the support of doctors, family, or friends could truly help me. It was a personal journey between myself and my faith.”
After turbulent teenage years marked by rebellion and self-harm, the road to healing directed Hattan to the world of martial arts. Moving out of her family’s house, she rediscovered her childhood fascination towards the world of WWE. “Ever since I was young, I always admired figures like John Cena. I wished to be as strong as them, to be capable of defending myself against bullying, family issues, and any challenges that came my way.” However, it was the passing of boxing legend Muhammad Ali that sparked her curiosity about real combat sports, leading her to discover MMA.
“I came across Abdullah Al Qahtani’s profile (Saudi MMA fighter) on social media and found myself drawn to the sport. I wanted to discover what it was, so I started asking him questions and he suggested I give it a try.” The gym quickly became a transformative space for the Gen-Z fighter, providing an escape from reality and the solace she always sought.
“I will never forget the first time I stepped into a gym,” says Hattan. “The atmosphere was overwhelming. It felt like I had entered an entirely different world, disconnected from reality. It was buzzing with energy, the training outfits, Muay Thai shorts, MMA gear, hand wraps. I was in awe. I wanted to know more. That’s how it all started.”
Engaging in combat sports not only introduced Hattan to a supportive community but also played a crucial role in restoring her emotional and mental well-being. “I always remind myself that without God and without my martial arts training, I would still be stuck in deep depression. Overcoming it would’ve been impossible for me.”
Road ahead
Hattan’s journey goes beyond personal triumphs. Her dedication and resilience in combat sports has paved the way for her historic signing with the PFL, in a world that often pigeonholes women, rather than celebrating their individuality. “Every human being is born different, we shouldn’t try to force them all into the same mould. It took me a long time to truly understand this. Earlier, I thought I was ‘weird’ but now I see myself as unique, similar to a diamond surrounded by a sea of glass,” says Hattan.
Acknowledging the progress in women’s sports in Saudi Arabia, she adds, “Over the last two years, there has been significant movement in this area and that is a great sign that people are celebrating the uniqueness of women.”
When asked how she feels about her recent feat, she responds, “I’m a little nervous to see how Saudi Arabia will respond to the news”. Though confident that the country will take pride in her achievements, she adds, “I’m very excited to see the response from my teammates, my coach. I do also hope that my family feels proud of me, despite our lack of communication in the past year. I hold no bitterness or sorrow towards them.”
Through her journey, the young MMA fighter wishes that more and more women are able to tap into their inner strength and resilience, instead of seeking it externally. “I can embody the qualities of being kind, loving, soft, while also being a strong and fierce fighter when the need arises. I believe in breaking the mould and showing the world that women can embrace both aspects — the gentle and the fierce, not just within the confines of the [MMA] cage but in the broader scope of life, too.”
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